'Ron Swanson' was my race director

Not the triathlon from my dream.

The way I started this triathlon was the beginning of a dream.

A notoriously slow swimmer, I was the first one to exit the water. I thought, Could I possibly podium in this race, and not just in my age group, but overall?

The answer would be no, I was soon to find out.

There had been another competitor directly behind me. I had to keep up a strong pace in the Transition area to maintain this unreal lead.

When I went to Transition, it was like a locker room but in a hotel. I was frantically looking for my tri shorts, shuffling through my bag and other belongings. That was quite strange because I should have been wearing these during the swim.

Uh, oh.

I was unable to find my shorts or anything else I needed fast enough to keep my lead. I looked to my left and out of the room. The lady who had been behind me was now jetting off on her bike.

Drats!

I continued to scurry about looking for what I needed. Though the next part was a blur, I ended up finding it. I began walking my bike out of the hotel when all of a sudden the tile flooring turned into dirt. There was a trail barely marked for the bike, but I somehow knew where to go.

As I came around the corner, I noticed triathletes already running. I couldn't believe I'd gotten so far behind that people had already finished the bike and begun the run.

Placing was obviously off my radar. I now needed to address the challenge directly in front of me: finishing the bike.

A real finish line.

The bike was only seven miles but it was around a track and spectators lined up all around. As I was going around one of the turns, I saw a sign that read "Party After the 5K."

I turned another corner and saw the character Ron Swanson from "Parks and Recreation" standing on the side. He was leaning against the brick wall, smoking a cigar, clearly in charge of the race but obviously disinterested.

I told him hello as I was riding by on the bike. He stopped me to ask if I would go check on a problem happening in the ladies room. I told him no. Without a reply, he stepped back to lean against the wall, like a shadow trying to forget it was ever there. Though I didn't do him any favors, I thought I saw him nod in approval of my refusal. Almost like I was April from the show.

I finished the bike and now needed to run the three miles of the run. I asked Ron where the trail was. He pointed to the "Party After the 5K" sign.

I was miffed and said, "No. No. Where is the trail? Just because that sign has the word 5K in it doesn't mean it's the trail."

He was a horrible race director.

He then said, "OK. Let me show you what you have to do next."

I thought, I know what to do next, this is not my first tri. I just need you to have been a better RD.

He led me over to the sign again and all of a sudden there was some kind of kid's mini jungle gym toy that he said I had to stick my feet through to wiggle my way to the other side where the run started. There was one problem: My feet were too big to get through. I'd have to take off my shoes. I couldn't believe that every other contestant ahead of me had to do this. Somehow they did, so I must, too.

Then I woke up.